Having A Productive Tough Conversation
One of the keys to any successful relationship is communication. So often, when we enter a romantic relationship (or even a close friendship) we come together bringing different life experiences. We find ourselves in disagreements or feeling upset with the other person and unsure how to effectively get our message heard and understood without losing our cool or making things more volatile. When attending couples therapy, there is typically a goal around improving communication. Every couple wants to be speaking the same language. I’ve created five steps to successfully have important conversations with those you care about.
Set the Stage
Before entering any conversation, know what your desired outcome is. What do you hope to accomplish as a result of this discussion. Keep your desired outcomes based on your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Remember, you only have control over yourself so focus on desired outcomes that impact you. Write down your goal and if it feels beneficial, share it with the other person at the beginning of the conversation.
Be Prepared
Have you ever left a conversation and thought of all the perfect responses several hours later? Or you realized that you veered so off course that your goals weren’t met? The higher our heart rate, the lower our cognitive functioning. It’s so easy to listen to respond and lose your focus. On the piece of paper with your desired outcomes at the top, write down the top 3-5 points you want to make during your conversation. Keep your paper with you during the conversation to refer to.
Keep it Short, Sweet, & Take a Breath
When working with parents of teens, I often use the mantra “20 words or less” but this can be helpful in all conversations. No one wants to feel lectured or that they are part of a one-sided discussion. The benefit of all your preparation is that you can keep your messaging short. When the other person responds, make sure to really listen and hear them. Repeat back what they said for clarification and check in with your notes to keep you on track. Pauses to collect yourself and think are okay!
Use Language to Keep Defenses Low
The use of “I” statements can feel like Therapy 101. But it’s basic and simple for a reason. Specific statements highlighting your own feelings and experiences keep defenses low. I like to follow the format of “I feel blank, when blank”. For example, “I feel dismissed when I share my bad day at work, and you don’t respond” is received differently than “You dismiss me and don’t care about my day”. Being specific also helps decrease statements of absolutes. “You always dismiss me when I talk” is likely to lead to a defensive response.
Know When to Hit Pause
Even with these steps, conversations get heated. For some people, it’s helpful to set a timer at the beginning of an important conversation. If you set a timer for 10 minutes and the conversation is not moving along, it’s a signal to take some space and revisit the conversation later. Sometimes, you can feel your physical response to the conversation (sweaty, heart racing, crying, etc.). Remember that it is okay to leave and come back when you are both calmer. As I mentioned early, the higher your heart rate the lower your cognitive functioning.